Amusement Park Etiquette

The thing about Florida is there’s always plenty of do. If you make your way over to Orlando, you’d have a tourist-induced aneurysm. But there are a few cheap (relatively) places to go in the Tampa area too. It’s all in how you look at it. But there are several things I’ve noticed that run rampant throughout each place. One by one, they knock blocks off my ‘fun-meter’ until I’m left with a pile of rubble, a headache, and a bad attitude.

Slow walkers. I know it’s probably your first time here, and you want to “take it all in”. But seriously, get the fuck out of my way. There are ‘unseen’ slow lanes in the pedestrian world – USE THEM. By the time I get from point A to point B, I am sweaty and worn out from the maze-like weaving I’ve had to do because you feel it’s necessary to stop and take a picture of everything you see.

I’m going to stop…. HERE. If I run into one more person because they’ve decided to stop  in the middle of walking traffic, I’m going to scream. It’s always the three same people: the lady with the triple-wide stroller, the middle-aged man with the upside-down map, and the group of tourists from Indonesia who can’t read the signs. If you really need to stop that bad, please take an extra few seconds and pull your party out of the way. They purposely make the lanes of traffic 20 feet wide so there is plenty of room to do so. By the way, season ticket holders don’t need a fucking map.

Obnoxiousness in the queue lines. Waiting in line for an hour and a half for a ride that lasts about a minute and ten seconds is crazy enough. I know it gets hot, and the anticipation of being upside down for a split second is just eating holes in your brain, but CHILL OUT. You’ll get there. I promise. Please don’t: play kid-games like ‘red hands’ or play ‘put-the-leaf-down-your-shirt’; sit on the hand rail and try to scoot down every time the line moves; sit on the ground facing the other way and create a 30 foot gap in the line; decided not to progress the line because you’d rather stand in front of the fan; invade my personal space in such a way that if I turned around I could make-out with you; whisper about me to your buddy – I can hear you.

Fake screaming. It happens everytime. Finally after hours in the heat, you’re on the ride. The belts are strapped, the thumbs are up, and you’re on your way. Up the first hill. Just hit the top… then WHAM! Screeeeeeeaaaaamm…. uh lady, we’re still making our way up the lift hill. Put your hands down and SHUT THE FUCK UP. By the time we hit the tunnels, she’s at full bore. I’ve never heard such a noise come out of a human before, and when the ride is over, my head is ready to explode. Save your shriek for slumber parties and keg-stands.

Fat riders. Obese people can’t fit in regular roller coaster rides. We all know it, and they know it. We also know the world is getting fatter, so there’s no end in sight to it. So to cope, ride manufacturers have installed specialized seats in the middle of the ride to accommodate the “slightly plump” folk. They’ve done it in airplanes, now they do it for rollercoasters. No big deal. And it’s clearly marked on every ride – “Persons with a chest size of at lease XX are required to ride in rows 5 and 6″. So if I have to wait for your fatass to try to squeeze into the seat, pull down your shoulder harness (to the point where your skinny friend is using his foot to help compress your blubber), and strap your ass in – only to realize whoops, I guess I can’t fit – I’m going to be pissed. Now the ride has to shut down, get the fatass to row 6, move the other rider to the back, and start again. By the time we’re all done, you’ve wasted 10 more minutes of everyone’s precious park time. Face it: you’re fat, and need special seating. Not that big of a deal. Just follow the rules.

Park-hired photographers. Boy those guys really want to take your picture. I mean REALLY. They will stand in the most narrow passage in the park – two wide – and trample even the quickest passers-by. “Would you like a picture??” No thanks, as with everyone in the park, I brought my own camera. That allows me to take free pictures. Digitally. Screw you and your 20-pack for $100.

Oh man, there are so many more … I could be here all day. But these pretty much sum up the biggest of them all. Please folks, PLEASE just use common sense. It’ll make everyone’s life so much better!