Beach Etiquette

I try to go to the beach as much as I can. It’s free, relaxing, and makes me colored. It also can be a great way to people-watch, albeit from a distance. However I have noticed that other beach-goers tend to annoy me more than ever these days. It may just be the summer crowd, or maybe I’m just getting old. But I feel that if a few common sense rules were followed, the experience would be much more enjoyable.

My space is not your space. When I arrive to the beach, I pick a spot that has plenty of distance – left and right – between the next half-naked person. Never a maximum, but a minimum of 10 feet. I think that’s fair. But there are two things people violate that make me want to pack up and go sulk in my air-conditioning. First, don’t plop your shit down within 3 feet of me. In any direction. I don’t want to be able to smell your SPF 90 and be able to count the sunspots on your neck. Second, when you’re “picking up seashells” to do god-only-knows-what-with, please don’t STEP OVER ME to do so. There are miles and miles and miles of Florida beach to go around, and billions of crustaceans for you to choose from. The pink one that happens to be three inches to the left of my thigh is NOT up for grabs. You might as well just lay your fat ass down right next to me, and have a wonderful conversation about the origins of sand.

I own that strip of water. When I’m in the water, I feel I temporarily own the rights to the strip of water as wide as my beach chair and towel occupy. Feel free to swim through (but not too slowly) and be on your way. But do not swim into my zone and wade in my water and stare at me. And don’t you ever try to inconspicuously drift ever closer to me and attempt to have a conversation. It’s weird, awkward, and unnecessary. If I wanted to talk to someone on the beach, I wouldn’t be purposely swimming neck-deep in shark infested water trying to avoid humanity. What would we even talk about? The water temperature? How sunny it is? Save that for the occasional encounter at the grocery store, please.

Please don’t flaunt your fat. Look, it’s the beach. I get it, it’s hot and a great way to add some tint to your skin. But for those people that would normally park in the handicapped area, and use a power scooter to get around Walmart, please do not wear a bikini. In fact, I think it’s insane for swimwear companies to even MAKE bikini’s to fit a size 60 woman. And it’s not just the ladies. Men, unless you’re under 35, keep the bikini briefs at home. Save it for the bathtub or something. And if you INSIST on being obnoxiously disgusting, PLEASE find a new way to lower your body to the ground. An obese person, in a bikini, bending over, is like watching an alien’s asexual reproduction routine in slow motion. Especially if you have sweat marks. Yuck.

Who goes fishing at the beach? Don’t you have an overpass you can throw your line off of? Or can’t you rent a boat and fish like a normal person? Why do you insist on ruining everyone’s fun time by dressing like a terrorist and throwing your bated hook into the open swimming area? If I get snagged by your line, you can rest assured I will wrap that fishing wire around your neck and throwyou in to die like the very bait you murdered just moments before. Not only is it a safety hazard, but your “chum” is attracting all kinds of hideous sea creatures that I’d hoped I’d never have to encounter. The feeling of a school of fish swimming THROUGH you is enough to think about rewriting your will.

I hate that station. Wear headphones please. I have yet to find one group of people with a battery or solar powered radio playing a station that I enjoy. Why is it always the group that listens to rap or hip hop or country the one to blare the volume past MAX? No one here likes that song but you. Keep it to yourself! No polluting.

Did you really just set up a tent? I’ve seen this twice now, and it boggles my mind. I understand the need to block some of the sun… but that’s why they make umbrellas! Wouldn’t it be ungodly hot inside that dome after about two and a half minutes? To go through all the effort to set up (and eventually take down) that green mess, all for 45 minutes of weirdness, just boggles my mind. The embarassment I would go through if I were with that fellow would be unbearable. A tent? Come on.

To me, all this seems common sense. I’m sure I’d be a dead man if I were forced to do any of these things at gunpoint. Alas, this will continue and most likely get worse as time goes on. People must think of the beach as a remote extension of their backyard. However, if my neighbors were like any of these people, I’d surely move.