Stability

I wish I was one of those people who could say, “My life is stable.” Instead, it is anything but stable. I want to get to a point where I can relax and know there isn’t some guy out there – probably in business attire – wondering where my payment is, or filing form 435u which will send one of my accounts into collection. I want to be able to laugh at those ‘credit score’ ads; instead I frown, knowing mine is far worse. I want to be able to drive by a car dealer knowing I could be approved for financing for any car on the lot. And be able to afford the insurance for it.

In all honesty, where I am at in my life now is not where I thought I’d be. I pictured myself financially secure (and rising). I pictured my business to be the greatest up-and-coming entrepreneurship in history. I saw myself living in a loft in New York or Seattle and driving a hybrid. I would have a wonderful sense of fashion, a tight group of friends, and a keen sense of the future. Those were all goals I set for myself when I was very young.

Back in middle school, I skipped the entire 8th grade. My grade point average for 6th and 7th grades was so high, that instead, I was able to help set up the couple hundred new Macs the school just bought with grant money. During the four years of high school, I actually worked for the school district I was taught in. By 10th grade, I had a master key to every locked door in every school. My senior year, I signed up for the work study program with myself, as I was self-employed with several promising contracts.

So what happened? Why was I able to set myself up for success so early, but yet fall so hard? There was one decision I made that I will always remember as a bad choice, yet never regret. When I was 20, I decided to drop out of college and move myself – and everything I owned (which could just about fit into my car) – to Florida. What could be so ‘amazing’ so as to convince me to essentially throw away all that I worked so hard for? Love. Yup, stupid, wonderful, impossible love.

For so long I have wanted to love and be loved. I never wanted to date, I just wanted to get married. To me, dating someone was just a waste of time. I always thought I’d be able to tell if someone I met was ‘the one’ and we’d both instantly know. I guess that’s what growing up on 80′s and 90′s television will do to someone. My idea of love was so far skewed that I ended up messing up all the goals and promises I made to myself. By the time I arrived in Florida, my new-found “love” was already one-sided. At that point, I could either pack up my car again and drive home with my tail between my legs, or struggle back to the top again and try to make the best of it. I think you can guess which choice I made. This began an almost predictable series of bad decisions in the years to come.

It’s much easier to reach the top after you’ve had 12 years of schooling and social learning. To get back up from the bottom is just about impossible. Today, I am still clawing and climbing. I’ve gone a slightly different direction than I had originally planned, but still trying desperately to get to the top. My idea of love has come and gone, and left me drained and exhausted. I’m a lost soul now; a wandering and whimpering child that will never be the same.

I guess it’s all for the best though. I would’ve never learned as many life lessons as I did. Doing things the hard way always has it’s benefits. I’m still an optimistic person – it’s the only thing left that keeps me going. Even though so much has already gone wrong with my life, and there are so many wounds and broken glasses to fix, I still believe one day, my hard work and bad decisions will meet in the middle. One day I will be free, and find those things that will make me happy.

One day.

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